Paw Prints

ocelotpaws @ 2006-10-13T04:45:00

2006-10-13T08:45:54Z

Here in a day or two, I'll be switching LJ accounts. Go ahead and add zoni to your friends lists, everybody!

ocelotpaws @ 2006-10-13T01:24:00

2006-10-13T05:31:49Z

Tonight is one of those nights where I'd kill for a beer. And a pack of cigarettes, despite the fact that I don't smoke. For the people who didn't catch on, I'm in a bad mood. And I won't say why, won't post what bothers me. I'm just bothered by something. The problem has already been brought to the attention to the person... technically, people... it concerns. Two years ago, I would have been punching holes in walls. Right now, I'm not even angry enough to glare at the computer. Just upset. Big difference.

I think the thing of it is that... the thing that's bothering me isn't something that I can get upset over because I've been in exact same position. Exactly the same position, and having been there I know that it is not something that can be dealt with by choices or talking. I simply presented my end and will leave it at that.

... actually, someone just took the wind out of my sails. Nevermind.

Fucking Albuterol.

2006-10-12T18:22:44Z

For those of you who somehow managed to miss it along the way, I am an asthmatic. An acute asthmatic. Means my asthma is always, always ridiculously bad. I have emergency inhalers, steroids, nebulizer, the works. And the other day, I had to go refill my inhaler again.

Normally, I pay around $15. Not bad. And the inhaler packs a punch with any minor to moderate attacks that I'm having. It's pretty standard stuff. Albuterol. Most asthmatics, regardless of severity, use this as their rescue inhaler. Because it works. I use the highest dosage prescribable.

Now, the other day, I go in and tell them "I need to refill my inhaler." Give them all the information, the usual. I tend to go through inhalers rather quickly, so I tell the lady to check to make sure I'm cleared for a refill. She says I am, and then tells me the price. Thirty bucks. For an inhaler. I don't really have much of a choice. So, I go ahead.

This new inhaler's been wreaking havoc with my systems. I know it's autumn, so I'll be having more trouble than usual, but this new inhaler's knocked out my gag reflex. And I wake up, pretty much routinely, four or five times a night with heavy wheezing (which I never normally have, even during severe attacks). The gag reflex thing has gotten to the point where I have difficulty sticking a spoon of cereal in my mouth without gagging, as I discovered repeatedly today while attempting to eat food. I'm convinced it's the new inhaler, because I was having -no- problems before I got the new one. It's pissing me off. *growls*

ocelotpaws @ 2006-10-11T11:56:00

2006-10-11T15:56:59Z

Today has been pretty damn fucked up.

ocelotpaws @ 2006-10-11T02:34:00

2006-10-11T06:34:25Z

Zoni really needs Raesnuggles right now.

ocelotpaws @ 2006-10-10T05:33:00

2006-10-10T09:33:32Z

I was sitting here earlier and talking to lighttigersoul and it occured to me just how much my life has changed over the past year.

If, a year ago, you had told me, "Look, Zoni, this is how your life is going to be in a year. You will be holding down a two day a week job and wishing it was full time. You won't be on speaking terms with Midnight or Manny or any of these guys, but you'll look forward to chatting with D and Leah. In fact, you won't be speaking to most of the people you talk to now and will have an entirely new set of friends. You'll be living in a small house, with a man and a woman and a small child that you are in no way related to. In Athens, Ohio. And you'll have this fantastic guy who never ceases to amaze. Above all, you'll have a sense of responsibility and actually want to repay debts and work hard."

... well... I'd have sat there and laughed at you. Very loudly. A year ago, I was still a bitch. A drunk bitch, at that. I was talking to a number of people for no real reason whatsoever. Going recklessly about every day life. I was a real idiot, yeah? And it's just weird because I can sit here and actually see the difference. My life right now is far from perfect. I have a job that pays shit because the hours are practically nonexistant. I have no car. I can't afford a doctor. My boyfriend lives six hours away. And in two months, I'll be out of a job again. But you know what? I've got a roof over my head. This morning, I had a really great breakfast. I've got clothes that fit. I just got out of a nice, hot shower. My friends are absolutely fantastic. I can sit here at my computer and type an entry like this. And when I get home from work, if i feel like it, I can go for a walk in one of the prettiest areas of the country... not more than a mile from the house I live in. And that's something pretty damn special. I love my life, right now. I know that sooner or later, I'll have that full time job I want. With the nice hours and good pay. lighttigersoul's coming to see me in less than a week. My life is pretty damn good. And I feel very, very lucky to be able to live like this.

ocelotpaws @ 2006-10-10T05:27:00

2006-10-10T05:34:32Z

Ughyaaaah. Well, it's one thirty in the morning. I work in five and a half hours. This two days a week thing's really starting to drive me up a wall. Gimme full time, dammit!

My chest really hurts right now. It's making it kinda hard to concentrate. Sorry to everbody on MSN and AIM, I know I'm not making much sense right now x.x...

I'm really happy at how The Garden of Eden is coming along. Mmm, yep. Getting much more in line (conspiracy! intruige! danger!) and have discovered a new character named Grey. I gave up and just started calling the two cities Cyan and Cardinal. Amaranth is the name of Cardinal's guy. Indigo, obviously, runs Cyan. I'm really starting to love these characters! arathe's been listening to me rant about them >.>; She's a sweetie.

ocelotpaws @ 2006-10-09T19:22:00

2006-10-09T23:22:17Z

One of these days, I'm going to have to give up and admit that I have boobs.

A very serious post.

2006-10-09T05:12:57Z

Tonight, I asked Rae to marry me. And Dania. And Manda. And Alice.

I'm sorry, ladies, I just... can't go through with it. We've grown apart! We're too different! There are just... too many scars, it's not right! Forgive me, and I hope that, at least, we can still be friends...

(For those of you not keeping track, this brings my total of ex-fiances, laughingly, up to eight.)

ocelotpaws @ 2006-10-09T00:56:00

2006-10-09T01:02:21Z

I'm fairly disgusted with some of you right now.

The reason for this is quite simple. I don't remember anyone ever saying that friendship was something that should only be maintained when the other person is in a good mood, not having rough times and when it could benefit you. No, that just sounds like using to me.

One of my friends right now is having a very difficult time. And it would seem that some people are simply making it worse by saying unneccessary things and not supporting her or helping her when she needs it the most. To me, this makes no sense. I don't understand it. But I believe in supporting people and helping them regardless of what the situation is. After all, she's your friend, isn't she? That, alone, should be enough. Now, this girl has become one of my best friends over a relatively short period of time. She's a very sweet, kindhearted person (who could probably throw me through a wall if she so desired, but she's just kinda adorable like that). And she's helped me out, several times, when I was having troubles that I was wary of taking to other people. Now, I don't know what's going on with the lot of you people down there... but I say buck up, grow up, and help your friend out. She deserves it. Just by being there, you are already in a better position than I am to show her your love and support. I would think that if you were in her place, you would rather that she help you out than snub you or insult you. Consider that before you say unneccessary things. I have no intentions of letting anybody hurt her, more than would have already happened through the problems she is experiencing.

Get to feeling better, sweetie, and get things straightened out. It's no good if you're down in the dumps. That's my job!

ocelotpaws @ 2006-10-07T16:58:00

2006-10-07T21:02:42Z

Well, it's five in the afternoon. I woke up about three and a half hours ago. Felt rather shitty. Exhausted, a little achey. But aesirraven was in worse shape than me, and I usually start feeling better after I've been awake for a bit. So I offered to watch Alex and let him get some sleep.

Today of all days, my body decided to be evil and make me feel WORSE after eating something and waking up. So, now I've got chills. Feel like I'm gonna puke. Am dizzy as all get out, and with that feeling weak as hell. And I'm aching from head to toe. Beautiful.

I'm praying someone else'll wake up soon so I can go back to bed. @_@; Took some tylenol. Double-dosed on the nebulizer. And heated up a can of broth. Which has helped a bit, but all I wanna do right now is curl up and go back to sleep. Gyugh.

Pork and Beans

2006-10-06T16:56:37Z

Every family has their own private terminology. Little phrases that are useful, but which only members of the family would understand. For the Wagner clan, the best known phrase is "pork and beans". Pork and Beans denotes hicks or anything hick-like. So, today, if I had any doubt that I was living in Ohio... it was quickly wiped away when I went outside to check the mail and found a disembowled can of... pork and beans... on the lawn.

Ahh, Ohio. How you make me feel so much more confident about when I was living in Kansas O_o

ocelotpaws @ 2006-10-05T14:15:00

2006-10-05T18:16:50Z

I did a little crappy painting last night, intended to use it for a website and then decided against it. And I was sitting here and looking at it today and trying to figure out how the proportions were screwed up (I knew they were and did so on purpose, but they were reminding me of something) and then... it struck me. They're goddamn Rumiko Takahashi proportions. She's built like goddamn Manga-Sango or something. X_X;

Regarding my guy.

2006-10-04T15:41:36Z

About two months ago, I was in the middle of a rather weird time in my life. My mind was going several different directions at once. Out of work, in a bad relationship, depressed and thinking about really useless things. Adding to the stress was the fact that I was in the middle of a flood of love confessions. For
whatever reason, unknown to mankind, I get love confessions. A lot of them. And they never come one or two at a time. Over the course of two weeks, I recieved everything from poetry to short, jotted "I love you"s to one thing which I can only describe as Zoni fanfiction. These were coming from everyone... complete
strangers, friends I'd known for a while. Both people I expected and a few that came as a big surprise. Either way, I'd gotten used to reading over whatever was sent, out of common courtesy, and then giving the obligatory "I'm sorry, I've got someone else. I'm not not interested."

It was an evening. I don't even really remember what I was doing, though I was probably playing a game or on a forum of some sort or another. I was talking with people on AIM, too, per usual. I'm fairly certain I was talking over something serious with lighttigersoul, but either way, when I finally caught onto the hint that he wanted me to go look at his newest LJ entry... I really wasn't expecting what I found when I went over and glanced at my friends page. The very first thing I saw was "Dear Zoni, Yes, this is in my LJ. It's also your eyes only." For the next forty-five minutes, I sat and read the post. And then reread it a couple of times. You have to understand that, when people write things to me... very few people actually sit down and put thought or emotion into what they write. When someone writes something that commands my attention... you can bet it's going to mean something. The letter that he had posted on his livejournal stopped and made me think. It wasn't because of the words "I love you" wormed into the text. It was because of other things said, unrelated.

In dealing with the relationship I was in at the time, I had also been dealing with a couple of past relationships. And lingering, inappropriate emotions for one person. It was more annoyance at myself for being unable to cut off something I really didn't want in my life.

You love her so completely, so perfectly, that you'd walk through hell itself. . . and yet you live without. I can't help but be envious.

And yet, in a letter like this, where I would have otherwise thought it inappropriate, he got the point across quite well.

The more that I read, the more that I was forced to stop and think. This person, a close friend that I cared very much for, had taken a lot of courage to write this. And had conveyed well more than one thing. Rather than playing kiss-ass, he had said that I was imperfect, flawed and had a rather bad history. He'd know, he was there when a good part of that history happened. That night, I told him pretty much exactly the same thing I told everyone else. "Look, I'm with someone else. I'm sorry."

I have known Pat for three years. To be entirely precise, he and I met on April Fools of 2003. Yes, right down to the day. And yes, I find that pretty amusing, too. He and I were introduced on Gaia Online, in the Writers Forum. Both of us were warriors for good grammar and all that is right and good in the world of spelling. Which is kind of a pity, considering neither of us can spell much of anything right any more. And, though I'm trying to think of a time when it hasn't been true, Pat has always been... Pat. Trustworthy, kind. Maybe a bit evil with a side of potential evil overlord. Manipulative in a way, though not maliciously so. Regardless of the situation, he seemed to always be able to pull some sort of deeper understanding out of it than I could ever glean. In situations where I would have just gotten pissed off and blown everything to hell, he'd sit and figure it out. Often get swept away with the tide, but he'd figure it out in the end anyways and still wind up all the better for it. And no matter what the situation was, there was not an instant where I didn't respect him for who he was and what he did. "some guy from that forum I visit" became one of my closest and most important friends within the space of a few months.

Over the course of the next two years, my life went through some rather ridiculous changes. I had had a boyfriend when I met Pat. A year and some months later, a girlfriend was added to that and I became openly bisexual and polygamous. Some months after that, either late in 2004 or some time early in 2005, my girlfriend had become my fiance over the course of the past year - late summer - and I had opted to dump the boyfriend so I could concentrate more fully on my relationship with her. Which is why, when I found myself thinking "Well, shit, I really like this guy Hikari..." while at a library I was wondering where the fuck that train of thought was coming from. I ignored it, pushed it to the back of my mind and kept going. My fiance and I split under less than amiable circumstances. I returned to Marietta, depressed and unsociable. About a week and a half after returning to Marietta, I was being a royally bitchy little asshole. For lack of a better way to phrase it. And was going to the library... fairly frequently. For an hour or so every other day, I think. I was frequently drunk. Usually very irritable. Impossible to talk to. And one day, Pat just sat there and said "I know that this is difficult but, really, you're being an idiot."
Pat is one of the reasons I stopped drinking. Though, as I've just told him, that was mainly because it's impossible to have an intelligent arguement with anyone - especially him - when I'm so drunk that I can't see straight. And has been one of very, very few people to stick with me and support me despite the difficult times and changes that I have gone through over the past three years. The only other person that I talk to now that I talked to then is orasa, and her support and encouragement has meant more than she knows. Something I hope to be able to repay someday.

I wanted to write this post, because lighttigersoul is someone who is very, very important to me. I love him. He amazes me. I've never seen someone who has managed to turn some of the situations he's been in into good things. Or met anyone else who goes so far to help his friends. Most people say one thing and do something completely different and yet, when Pat says that he will do something... he does it. He is the sort of person that demands respect.

A few days after I told Pat "I'm sorry, I'm with someone else." I purposely pushed a fight with the "someone else" and ended things. A few hours later, I messaged lighttigersoul and said "I must be crazy, but I've made my decision. If you want me, you've got me." or something to that general effect. Most of the people who know us raised more than a few eyebrows (the eyebrows were breeding or something), more so due to problems that some of you aren't aware of and which I don't feel the deep need to broadcast on a journal. Pat and I were halfway afraid of a war party or something. However, despite the oddness and the opposition, I have to say that I consider myself one of the luckiest people alive right now. And I have never been happier with anyone than I am with him.

So, yes, end the mindless happysquishyrantness. >.>;

ocelotpaws @ 2006-10-04T02:44:00

2006-10-04T06:51:20Z

You know, I had this long, serious entry I wanted to post. But it seems like absolutely everything tonight has gone against me writing it. I'm in desperate need of sleep. My hair is bugging the crap out of me (gonna get a hair cut today if I can get somebody to drive me over to Wal-Mart >.>). Various sources of extremely distracting noise around the house (everything from a video game to the dog.). And the fact that my inspiration had to leave early (and damn well better be getting some sleep. *shakes fist!*). Thus, I'm just going to post this entry here and leave it at that for right now.

I have... an itsy bit of money. Not much, and I'm saving most of it, but I'll be able to breathe a little easier. I can get the hair cut I've been wanting (just a trim. I'm considering coloring my hair again, but someone might kill me if I did. So, I'll just stick to considering it for right now. We'll see.). I can grab my prescription from the pharmacy. And I may treat myself to a vanilla frappy, just because I need a little treat like that.

Truth be told, the state of my bank account has me absolutely sick. I am fifty dollars in the hole right now. I'm waiting for a botched refund to go back in so that it'll take me out of the hole (leaving me with about twelve bucks) before I deposit my other earnings (poetry commission gave me a little bit). And it's just left me wishing I could find full time factory work. Having so little money at my disposal in case of emergency makes me edgy. Especially since I was hoping to have a bit more handy for when lighttigersoul comes down in a couple of weeks. I'm going to have about a hundred and fifty less than I expected, so I'm getting uneasy in regards to money for that, too.

I know that it's no use worrying. Absolutely friggin' pointless. And I'm in a good mood. It just has me wondering what outlets I may have overlooked. And has me considering running more commissions through the furry boards. We'll see. Now's not the time to think about that. I've... really managed to fuck up my sleep schedule, so I'm going to try go go get some rest.

WTF, TSTech!?

2006-10-03T16:09:33Z

Okay. Work complaints.

I'm home on my lunch hour. Twelve to twelve thirty. Crysta drops me off home, I grab a bite to eat and head home after surfing for a few minutes. A nice break.

Problem.

At about 2:30 today? We'll be done. No, not for the day. For the week.
We're 7/8ths done with the material.

Crysta's going down to I-Force to lodge a complaint. We were told 16 hours a week. We're not even getting 8. And we both very badly need that money. I'll probably be home early. If not, I may have gone down to I-Force to bitch with her. >_

ocelotpaws @ 2006-10-03T05:32:00

2006-10-03T09:33:18Z

I'm all for watching shounen-ai and yaoi titles. Love 'em to bits and pieces. So, when seishou_odoriko recommended Papa to Kiss in the Dark, I figured I'd give it a try.

I have one thing to say about this series:

It's Gravitation. Without the bands. End of story.

ocelotpaws @ 2006-10-03T00:52:00

2006-10-03T04:54:40Z

Announcement regarding NaNo!

My up-in-the-air NaNo novel previously called Twincity now has a proper, cheesey name. The Garden of Eden.And, further more, two of the characters have names. My pretty genderfucked slaveboy is going to be named, predicably, Eden. The prince of the kingdom has a first name, at least, and his name is Indigo. I intend on the people of the kingdom that he and Eden are from to be named after cooler colors. Whereas, people from the other city are going to be named after warm colors. I'm quite happy with the story thus far, but I look forward to seeing how far these characters take the plot.

ocelotpaws @ 2006-10-01T22:52:00

2006-10-02T02:52:40Z

It's... night of the living exes, I swear. I've been contacted by... not one, but three of 'em. What the hell?

ocelotpaws @ 2006-10-01T12:28:00

2006-10-01T16:30:02Z

I have a confession to make. I love Tenjou Tenge. Why? Don't ask me. I think it's the cheesey martial arts and the complete lack of shame that the series has. I need to finish watching. Eh. I say the fangirls can have Aya and Maya and Soichirou. I'll just take Bob. Because we all know that Bob Makihara is the true hero of the series. Yes.

ocelotpaws @ 2006-10-01T02:16:00

2006-10-01T06:16:35Z

Manda and I ARE making progress on Featherbind. See? SEE?

(We'll completely ignore the fact that poor Dalchini there has Howl Hair.)

ocelotpaws @ 2006-09-30T19:48:00

2006-10-01T00:05:44Z

Well, it's been one fuck of a bad day. I woke up at ten o'clock, was in no real position to stay awake, but I wanted to talk to lighttigersoul and he was on. So, after he went to work I went back to bed. Woke up at 3:10 exactly and was crying my eyes out. No real idea why, but I wound up crying for an hour solid. Discovered that I couldn't stand up long enough to wash a dish, so I did the next best thing and dragged my quilt out to the living room and curled up with my headphones and some Dead Can Dance for about an hour. Fell asleep a couple of times, felt kinda nice.

Posting for a couple of reasons. I've switched AIM screen names. I'm now Ferengi Ninja. Mainly because Klingon Samurai was taken.

I'm also considering resurrecting an old website idea of mine just in time for Nano. Instead of Watersong, however, I'm going to be calling it Rainsong and it'll be divided into two sections. One for personal information, tutorials and such. And then a separate section (divided into two more sections) for my NaNo projects, which I'm now about 98% sure are going to be Twincity and Featherbind. Ideally, however, I'd like Rainsong to have a section to encompass all of my projects.

We'll see. Anyway, Zoni signing off for now. Ignore the negative tone of most of these posts. You guys know they're just building up to a big, sappy-happy one.

Ouran High School Host Club

2006-09-30T16:21:37Z

I think my icon explains my general "WTF" opinion of the last episode of Ouran Koukou Host Club. Why... dear god... why?

WTF, I-Force?!

2006-09-29T17:54:43Z

Okay. Zoni's not a happy ocelot at the moment. (for a couple reasons. Ran out of laundry and wound up borrowing a pair of pants from aesirraven -_-;;;) The main cause for my annoyance at the moment is my employer, I-Force. First week at the factory, Crysta and I got our hours cut short. Ran out of material at 1:30. Two hours before quit time. So, when we got our paystubs, I figured it'd be pretty damn pitiful. Turns out, however, that they paid us for the full sixteen hours. So, naturally, we figure that they're required to pay us for the full sixteen hours each week. So, I get my paystub this week and... it's a little off. A dollar and eighty-seven cents off. Not a big deal. But I called I-Force anyways to check with them, just in case. Apparently, we'd only worked until 3:10 on Wednesday last week.

*mutter*

ocelotpaws @ 2006-09-29T01:37:00

2006-09-29T05:37:42Z

orasa - you do realize we're completely hopeless, right? But Narande still owns my kitty-loving soul. <3